Grapes of wrath

I don't know what it is but there's nothing quite like a nice glass of wine to calm the spirits and relax the mind. A nice glass of red wine is quite simply the best thing in my opinion to help soften the edges of a hard day. Its even better to share with a friend over good conversation.

My friend Dani is talking a lot lately of how she wants a boyfriend and its really started me thinking that I'm kinda lonely. I have plenty of friends, don't get me wrong, but I miss the things you have when you are with someone. My last boyfriend was Tim over a year ago. He was a sweetie but something just wasn't there and it just wasn't fair to keep things going and potentially hurt him even more later. That's the hardest part of when I date is that if I am fairly certain it won't last I end it. Its also why I feel I've been able to be friends with all my exes.

Now before anyone gets all holier than thou and ever so politely reminds me that I'm super picky and haven't exactly put myself out on the market for anyone, yes I know you are right. I have plenty of excuses; I'm too busy, I can't afford a relationshiop right now, etc. I know most of them are bullshit and its just a defense mechanism to not get hurt.

I've had friends tell me the point is not to find "Mr. Right" but to find "Mr. Right Now". While I can appreciate that viewpoint, and I can understand those that say I need to "live" by playing the field, I really don't think I do. What I want is find someone who is smart, intelligent, good looking, sweet, tender, has a sense of adventure, cultured, sophisticated and someone I can fall in love with. Sex really isn't my end-all-be-all. I know I'm not going to find him if I don't take chances, if I don't put myself out there. As Dani says, "No balls, no game". I'm getting there, really I am. Its a slow process but I'm tyring to work it out. I promise not to whine and bitch about it too much, if you promise not to harrass me about not having the guts to get out there.

I want to fall in love, I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be overcome with emotion. This is hard when most gay men want sex, sex and more sex. Its also hard because you have to find a gay man among all the straight ones. Its hard because most of the online ad people are not attracticve, pricks, older men that I don't want to go near, people who simply want sex or just empty individuals. Call me old fashioned but I don't want to just fuck.

I need to stop making the wrong choices. I finally stopped falling for friends, I've mostly stopped seriously crushing on the straight ones and I need to stop falling for ones that have key criteria that make it not worthwhile to even try to get involved with them.

Well I think I've been sappy enough for one evening.