Fuck the world

I'm so very very tired. I'm tired of the hate. I'm tired of the prejudice. I'm tired of being told I'm less of a person and I'm tired of dealing with this over and over and over again.

Today the newest anti-gay marriage initiative was certified. What this means is that the religious right will begin their campaign to fully remove all rights to gay marriage with absolutely no recognition for same-sex couples.

While this means that the current constitutional amendment that was passed last year to codify marriage as between one man and one woman with civil unions for same sex couples, will likely be defeated. That is to a degree good news, but not by much.

This also means that once this new amendment gets 65,825 signatures it will go before the legislature requiring only a 25% vote in two consecutive constitutional conventions. While we may have enough votes to stop a legistlative amendment (which requires simple majority - 50% +1 vote) there's not a lot of hope we can kill it outright at 25%.

I don't understand why people have so much hate in them. Why can't they leave us alone. Do they honestly think I chose this life? To have to fight constantly for repsect and recognition? How dare they say that this "lifestyle" is a choice.

I DIDN'T FUCKING CHOOSE TO BE GAY!!!

WHAT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS BULLSHIT!!

I didn't want to be gay. I stayed in the closet for years hoping it was a phase, hoping the truth that I knew deep down was wrong. It didn't stop me from being gay. Nothing stopped me; not trying to date women, not being a part of a fraternity, NOTHING! Being gay is simply a part of who I am and at this point I wouldn' t change it for anything because it is who I am. But there are times that I get tired of fighting and convincing and campaigning to be treated like a fucking human being. Tomorrow or the next day I will get back up and resume the fight but for tonight I'm tired, simply tired.

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Grapes of wrath

I don't know what it is but there's nothing quite like a nice glass of wine to calm the spirits and relax the mind. A nice glass of red wine is quite simply the best thing in my opinion to help soften the edges of a hard day. Its even better to share with a friend over good conversation.

My friend Dani is talking a lot lately of how she wants a boyfriend and its really started me thinking that I'm kinda lonely. I have plenty of friends, don't get me wrong, but I miss the things you have when you are with someone. My last boyfriend was Tim over a year ago. He was a sweetie but something just wasn't there and it just wasn't fair to keep things going and potentially hurt him even more later. That's the hardest part of when I date is that if I am fairly certain it won't last I end it. Its also why I feel I've been able to be friends with all my exes.

Now before anyone gets all holier than thou and ever so politely reminds me that I'm super picky and haven't exactly put myself out on the market for anyone, yes I know you are right. I have plenty of excuses; I'm too busy, I can't afford a relationshiop right now, etc. I know most of them are bullshit and its just a defense mechanism to not get hurt.

I've had friends tell me the point is not to find "Mr. Right" but to find "Mr. Right Now". While I can appreciate that viewpoint, and I can understand those that say I need to "live" by playing the field, I really don't think I do. What I want is find someone who is smart, intelligent, good looking, sweet, tender, has a sense of adventure, cultured, sophisticated and someone I can fall in love with. Sex really isn't my end-all-be-all. I know I'm not going to find him if I don't take chances, if I don't put myself out there. As Dani says, "No balls, no game". I'm getting there, really I am. Its a slow process but I'm tyring to work it out. I promise not to whine and bitch about it too much, if you promise not to harrass me about not having the guts to get out there.

I want to fall in love, I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be overcome with emotion. This is hard when most gay men want sex, sex and more sex. Its also hard because you have to find a gay man among all the straight ones. Its hard because most of the online ad people are not attracticve, pricks, older men that I don't want to go near, people who simply want sex or just empty individuals. Call me old fashioned but I don't want to just fuck.

I need to stop making the wrong choices. I finally stopped falling for friends, I've mostly stopped seriously crushing on the straight ones and I need to stop falling for ones that have key criteria that make it not worthwhile to even try to get involved with them.

Well I think I've been sappy enough for one evening.

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I hate spam

Yeah, so immediately after my most recent post I got 3 different spam comments. Its bad enough that i have to have them in my e-mail, I certainly don't want it in my blog. I certainly will make a VERY large point to NEVER buy ANYTHING from ANY place that advertises in such a way.

So, because of that, I have turned on "word verification" on commenting to the blog (not that it'll affect that many people since people rarely comment, if anyone even reads all of this). What this means to you is that you will now have to identify a "captcha" which is essentially a graphic that has text that has been altered in some way to make it difficult for character recognition systems to read it but is still understandable by humans. The point is that this will prevent automated comment spam since all of that is usually automated. We shall see if this fixes my issues.

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To the stage once more!

Well folks I return to the stage once more, this time playing the only villian Shaw ever wrote; Crofts. I will be playing Sir Crofts in the M. W. Rep. production of Mrs. Warren's profession. More information to be posted later. Wooohooo I'm psyched!

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Keep on runnin'

Well I hit 3 miles today, and I feel great! My goal for this week is 2.5 miles but if I can hit 3 miles each day I'll be very happy.

I'm a bit frustrated that for two weeks in a row I've still not lost any more weight, but I think its likely that I'm gaining muscle mass (which is denser than fat) at the same rate as losing fat. Hopefully that means in another week or so I'll start losing weight again. I can't really complain too much cuz I can see the love handles beginning to disappear and I'm getting more of a nice "V" shape.

Well I'm doing well since I'm beginning week 3. Here goes trying to keep going indefinitely.

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The winds have changed...

I don't know what has changed but it feels like the storm has finally broken. For a good portion of the summer, especially since the beginning of August life has been getting more and more stressful. It seems like its been building and building and its just more than I can deal with and then suddenly within the last few days its simply gone.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a million things on my agenda and nothing is really done but the stress and the rushed feeling I had is gone. I feel more confident that things will work out right and that everything will settle into pleace.

Its also nice to have the students back. I had forgotten how empty Worcester is in the summer until I was driving down Highland Street last night and saw all the Freshman walking around and enjoying the evening. Worcester really feels alive again.

It was nice to see Nick last night. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like and I'll miss him when he goes to Seattle. Hopefully we'll stay in touch.

Finally, my new favorite song is Anna Nalick - "Breathe (2AM)"

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Happy Anniversary to me :)

I almost forgot. I've now been out for exactly 6 years. 8/12/99. Woot. :)

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Getting Fit, Staying Fit

Well its been two weeks and I've made it to the gym 8 times in the last two weeks. 8 out of 10 is not bad and I hit all of the important 6 days that I was aiming for. My new plan is to go running at Bally's 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesay and Friday. I intend to go swimming on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but sometimes I just need a mid-week day of rest to sleep in a bit. The swimming days are simply to do some excercise that isn't impact. If I run daily I get shin-splints way too easily. I started on August 1 at about 1.25 miles. On 8/3 I got to 1.5 miles, and on 8/5 I got to 2 miles and have maintained 2 miles all this week too.

I've lost two pounds and half an inch off my waist, and I feel better and more energized than I have in a long time. I'm hoping I've lost more weight and waist size but I promised myself I wouldn't weigh/measure myself except on Mondays. All the measurements can all fluctuate from day to day so there's no point in stressing myself out by doing daily measurements.

I'm not looking for any quick weight loss or body change. I'd rather this be a nice slow process that I can sustain and keep the weight off. I'll keep everyone updated on how its all going, but I think its a good sign that for two weeks I've been able to get up at 5:30 - 6:00 AM on a daily basis for two weeks.

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Vegi update

Yup so Dani is once again a member of the carnivore family. She was making some headway after a few false starts but given her already decreased palette of foods to choose from taking meat of the menu wasn't working. As of last Wednesday the experiment was ended with a jumbo hot dog. Yum. Just as well, she's really not the vegitarian type (no offense to any vegitarian's out there). Welcome back Dani!

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That's all folks....

"Are you coming or going... or coming and going... or coming and staying?" - Brian Kinney

Well its the end of an era. Queer as folk has played its final episode. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I have so many memories attached to this show. Its the only thing I've consistantly done week after week for the last 5 years.

It started out when we got Showtime specifically to watch QAF in WA3. Then the next year Kyle got his condo and we started watching it there. I met Chad through Kyle and ended up dating him for a while. Every year we'd all go back to Kyle's on a weekly basis to watch it.

Well the gayest show on television is over. No apologies. No regrets. Overall I wasn't fully happy with the ending but are you ever happy with an ending? The boys grew up and moved on with their lives. We will too.

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