Orlando.

I've been numb all day. I had the run this morning that kept my mind off of things. I sat myself in front of the TV and binged Voltron on Netflix once listening to the news became too much. I couldn't bring myself to go into the city for the vigil because I knew I just couldn't handle it.

The short time I've had to my own thoughts tonight, which was to and from having drinks with a good friend and talking about anything and everything not Orlando, I started getting to a point where I teetered on the edge of losing it.

So far I haven't personally known anyone that was killed in this attack, but I know several people who have lost people to this senseless tragedy. Additionally, the gay community is so fucking small that it really doesn't matter if you knew someone, it feels like you do. This happened to all of us. It could have been any city. Any club. Any event. This was an attack on our community, our family.

Thankfully I had a vacation day scheduled for tomorrow so I can hide from the world for another day.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the constant drum beat of attacks both physical and rhetorical on the LGBT community.

This was 50 dead and 53 injured today, but that's not all. In the last 18 months, 33 transgender people have been murdered. Dallas had a spike in assaults on gay men that included at least 11 men in a 3 month period last fall/winter. These are just the numbers I was able to quickly an easily find, and doesn't include the countless suicides from LGBT people because they don't feel like they are able to continue onward.

So while this is a staggering and senseless tragedy that happened today, please understand, we've been dying for a long time now.