Sunday, July 03, 2016

Don't Cry Out Loud

This morning I attended the one of the morning Coffee Concerts series at this year's GALA Festival. This is where some of the bigger choruses get to perform and often these concerts are larger (1 hr vs 20-30 mins) and more thematic.  Last time notable entries were the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington DC's "Alexander's House" and Heartland Men's Chorus' "It Gets Better".  This year so far it has been Atlanta GMC's "When I Was Your Age".

With "When I Was Your Age" the story it told was about the complicated relationships that gay men have with their fathers.  "Alexander's House" chronicled  the life of a man who got married, had a kid, and finally couldn't hide who he was any longer so he came out.  Unfortunately, in doing so he lost all contact with his son. The story begins after his death and deals with how his partner and friends end up meeting and getting to know the estranged son.  "It Gets Better" is about the crisis of suicide among LGBT youth and tells the stories of those that survived what life had to throw at them and lived to tell today's youth that "it gets better" and to hold on a little bit longer.

At the coffee concerts (and really across many of the concerts) it's simply a given that you'll be in tears.  It struck me that these concerts often speak to the collective history of the LGBT community, as well as present day issues.

That's quite a juxtaposition when you actually think about it.  When we listen to our stories as a community, we expect to cry.  Yes, there are some laughs, some smiles, but inevitably we will be feeling the familiar sensation of tears slowly running down the sides of our face. Sometimes it's a quite cry and sometimes it's a complete sobbing breakdown.
 
It's a heavy thing to realize that such a large part of the shared identity of the LGBT community is loss, abuse, and being excluded from the communities we grew up with.  I think it can be a catharsis to be involved in something like GALA where we are surrounded by so many people who have been through this and survived.  In telling our stories we can see that in spite of it all, many of us, once we found our new communities, our new families, not only survived, but thrived.

Part of the tears we shed are letting go of the feelings we've held inside for so long, that we weren't allowed to show.  We get to allow ourselves the vulnerability to process emotions that we've hidden away for months, years, or decades.  Part of the tears we shed are also a celebration of the hope we have on the future, whether it is our own or those that follow the path behind us.  Knowing that as bad as we had it, the next generation might not have it as bad.

And so we cry out loud.  We will no longer keep it inside, and we'll learn to share our feelings.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Let's try this again

Day 3.

I've been not nearly as effective this year as I was last year at losing weight and getting in better shape.  I think part of it was that last year I made it very simple; do SOMETHING every day.  My minimums were 1 mile run, or 30 crunches, or 10 pushups.  As you can see, pretty much the absolute minimum.

I think part of why it worked last year was mostly because it was so minimal, that there was literally no excuse not to do one of those three things.  I'd forget and nearly fall asleep and realize I didn't do my daily workout.  I could pretty much roll out of bed and do the crunches or the pushups and head right back to bed and check off the day.

Additionally, knowing that I was working out (to some degree) every day would inform other decisions, like eating better, or not having an extra portion.  It kept it front and center.

So, with help from my friend Sam, I'm staring fresh.  This time last year I was just about at 200.  Today I'm at 217.  My goal is to break 205 by the end of the summer.

On the plus side, I've maintained 217 (+/- 1-2 lbs) since about March.

Let's do this.

Monday, June 20, 2016

EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

Here's another one. Fundamentalism is an issue regardless of the starting point, whether Christianity, Islam, Mormonism, or Judaism. The Abrahamic religions all have fundamentalist sects that take the context they want and use to oppress those they don't feel live up to their moral viewpoint. It's not just gays either, it's also women and often non-whites.
I want to be clear, this is not some new thing happening because of Orlando. Part of why I am posting these is to make folks aware that as far as we've come with acceptance of LGBTQ people, as much as you don't see an issue in your local circles, it's still very much there. For those of you who are allies, this isn't something you normally have to think about. For those of us in the LGBTQ community, we don't often talk about this because if we told you about every threat that came up, such as this, we'd scare our loved ones, not to mention we'd put ourselves in a state of constant panic. We simply keep on keeping on. We manage the risks we take and do what we can to minimize the possible danger we put ourselves in.
For those who are people of color, it's even worse, as acceptance within other minority communities is mixed at best, especially those that are within a generation or two of immigration. Especially those that are tied closely to religious groups.
For those that are Trans or gender-fluid, it's also worse. Especially for those that don't "pass" and who don't fit most people's pre-conceived notion of what a boy or a girl should look like.
It's also worse for gay men that are very feminine and/or flamboyant and couldn't hide it if they wanted to (but let's be real, they are often some of the fiercest members of our community and wouldn't turn down the intensity if you paid them. ‪#‎werk‬). I'm sure there's similar issues for very butch lesbians. Again, if you don't fit the notion of what you're supposed to be like, it's not just judged, it can be dangerous.
So basically, for my allies reading this, understand what I think about and deal with, along with so many in this community, and think about speaking up if you hear a slur, or an off-color joke, or a politician who uses coded (or blatant) language to say that we are less than straight folks. If you are at a sermon where the pastor is preaching about how we LGBTQ folks need to be "saved" or "healed" or other such nonsense, consider if that really a community you want to support and be a part of. There are many LGBTQ affirming churches out there, it just takes a bit longer to find them at times. It doesn't have to get to be as bad as the minister I've attached for it to be hateful, hurtful, and inciting assaults against our community.
In closing, I ask that you think about what I've posted and try to feel what it is to be in my shoes and understand that silence is simply not an option. Understand that as a gender conforming, white, employed, middle class gay man living in a progressive state with strong legal protections, and with a circle of family and friends that support me, that I'm sitting at the top of the world here. All the scary things you've read lately, and my words about my fears? I have it relatively "easy", and if this is "easy" imagine how much harder it is for the most vulnerable in our community. Consider that for a moment.

Denver and the Western Conservative Summit

Again, this is my life. I'm attending a conference in two weeks in Denver. It will be attended by more than 6500 LGBTQ people and allies. We've recently found out that the Western Conservative Summit will be overlapping the first few days. As such, security is being increased.
The mere presence of a large conservative political group has us worried enough to increase security to an LGBTQ event. Ponder that a bit.
While it's true that the actions at Pulse Nightclub are fresh in our mind, and we're all being extra careful, it's a "normal" calculation when travelling, going out, choosing where to go out to, that you consider the various threats to yourself as an LGBTQ person.
I've had homophobic comments made to me just one town over in Auburn when I was at a bar. So it's not just about a foreign place or a specific group of people. You get so used to it, it's almost not conscious thought anymore.
Orlando simply brought those subconscious thoughts to the forefront and pulled back the veneer that we had moved to a new level of acceptance. If you're wondering why the LGBTQ folks in your life are so deeply affected by Pulse, this is partly why.
That is my life. ‪#‎EveryDamnDay‬.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Say the words! Speak our names!

He can't even bring himself to say that they were gay. IT MATTERS. It matters that he says in his letter "their families" when the church has consistently said we don't deserve to create our own families, that they won't be recognized, and that they are an affront to god. The Pope's statement was equally lacking in mentioning that it was ‪#‎LGBTQ‬ or ‪#‎Latinx‬ people that were killed and injured.
SAY IT! Acknowledge us!! IT MATTERS!!!! WHY WON"T PEOPLE SAY IT!!
"As our society faces the massive and violent assault on human life in Orlando on Sunday, the Archdiocese of Boston offers and encourages prayers on behalf of those who were killed in the attack, those who were injured, and all their families and friends."
- Cardinal O'Malley

Boston Globe: Cardinal O’Malley’s statement on Orlando shootings

Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Rainbow is Hope

Someone recently asked how I and other LGBTQ folks aren't completely consumed by anger and/or grief.
My response was that generation after generation, we've been through this. Maybe not personally, but there is a communal history and experience.
We've survived it. We know that we, the survivors, can eventually come out the other end, and in so knowing, we can seethe, cry, shout, rage, and anything else we need to do because we know at some point we'll be able to laugh again, to love, to embrace. We know that we'll pick ourselves up, look at the problem and work to tackle it head on.
My other comment to my friend is that it's key that the LGBTQ community is so tied to the Rainbow, as the Rainbow comes at the end of the storm, after the destruction, the devastation. The Rainbow is hope.

This blog post was in response to the following Facebook Post.

Monday, June 13, 2016

I Lived

I finally broke down. I was just about 6 miles into my 10k run today. I was physically exhausted. I was nearing the final stretch and I was listening to my running playlist which I always have randomly shuffle. As I'm pushing for every last bit of strength to make it through to my personal finish line, One Republic's "I Lived" came on. I immediately began sobbing. Everything that I had been putting off came flooding through. What also came through was the incredible power of having just sung that song on stage with nearly 180 of my fellow chorus family last weekend. The love. The support.
Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived


Orlando and "Politicization"

"The good news is there's 50 less pedophiles in this world, because these homosexuals are a bunch of disgusting perverts and pedophiles. That's who was a victim here, are a bunch of disgusting homosexuals at a gay bar." - Pastor Steven L. Anderson of Arizona.
So many people are decrying that this killing is being "politicized" and then immediately decrying that the damn liberals/democrats won't call this a terrorist driven event by radical Islam.
Here's the thing, the LGBT community has been, and continues to be, a political football. My entire existence has been politicized as long as I was aware enough to realize that I was gay.
I think many want this to be declared an ISIS attack so that they can forget that it was almost 100 members of the LGBT community that were killed or injured, and more specifically many Latinx members of the community, and not have to think about their own role in this. The type of hate spewed by ISIS and it's ilk towards the LGBT community is not very much different than many of the "Christians" here in the states.
So watch this. Seriously. Watch it. This is the local, home grown, extremism that LGBT folks need to deal with.
It's disgusting and will turn your stomach. It should.

Deadstate.org: Arizona Christian pastor doesn’t think the massacre in an Orlando LGBT nightclub was so bad






Sunday, June 12, 2016

Orlando.

I've been numb all day. I had the run this morning that kept my mind off of things. I sat myself in front of the TV and binged Voltron on Netflix once listening to the news became too much. I couldn't bring myself to go into the city for the vigil because I knew I just couldn't handle it.
The short time I've had to my own thoughts tonight, which was to and from having drinks with a good friend and talking about anything and everything not Orlando, I started getting to a point where I teetered on the edge of losing it.
So far I haven't personally known anyone that was killed in this attack, but I know several people who have lost people to this senseless tragedy. Additionally, the gay community is so fucking small that it really doesn't matter if you knew someone, it feels like you do. This happened to all of us. It could have been any city. Any club. Any event. This was an attack on our community, our family.
Thankfully I had a vacation day scheduled for tomorrow so I can hide from the world for another day.
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the constant drum beat of attacks both physical and rhetorical on the LGBT community.
This was 50 dead and 53 injured today, but that's not all. In the last 18 months, 33 transgender people have been murdered. Dallas had a spike in assaults on gay men that included at least 11 men in a 3 month period last fall/winter. These are just the numbers I was able to quickly an easily find, and doesn't include the countless suicides from LGBT people because they don't feel like they are able to continue onward.
So while this is a staggering and senseless tragedy that happened today, please understand, we've been dying for a long time now.

Monday, July 13, 2015

On my honor...

Today, the BSA made the decision to remove the ban at the national level on gay scout leaders.  I'm still processing exactly what this means to me, but I can tell you I'm very, very happy.

In April of 1997 I was awarded my Eagle Medal, and regardless of my feelings toward the BSA (anger, sadness, pity) I've never wavered in how proud I am of that accomplishment and the Scouts and leaders that I worked alongside to earn it.  Many Scouts sent their Eagle medals back to HQ in protest.  I appreciate that sentiment and applaud them for doing what they felt was what made them feel like they had made a statement.  My view was that the BSA would, to borrow a line from Charlton Heston, take my Eagle from my cold, dead, hands.  I worked hard and earned that and nothing that anyone said or did would take that honor away from me.

As a result of the ban, one thing that I never got a chance to do was join NESA (National Eagle Scout Association).

Between the remainder of senior year and then college life I just never got around to it.  Then I came out in the summer of '99, and by 2000, the Supreme Court declared that the BSA, as a private organization, was completely in its rights to exclude gay scouts and leaders.  With the issue pressed and the court deciding in their favor, whatever "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" dรฉtente had existed to that point was over.  Gay leaders and scouts were quickly expelled from all areas of scouting including the troops, local and council leadership, Order of the Arrow, and NESA.

At that point that I knew wasn't going to be able to be involved with Scouting and joining NESA would do nothing more than set myself up for disappointment were I to draw their attention and then stricken from their membership.

From time to time I would get emails talking about joining NESA.  Every time I'd see one, I'd receive it with a combination of  anger and sadness.  Here was something that I wanted, something that I deserved, and I was still on the outside looking in.  Even with the end of the youth ban in 2013, it was still just out of reach.  I knew that one day that the ban on leaders would end and maybe then it would be an option.

Today, I joined NESA.  :)

Friday, June 12, 2015

Why I Post About My Weight

So most of the posts thus far have been on Facebook, but I've decided to push back more into the blogging realm.

The short summary for those who aren't on my Facebook is the following:

In November (2014) I weighed 227.5 lbs and entered into "Weight Loss Bet 2.0" with my friend Dani.  We had previously done this bet back in 2010 (March - July) and I went from 213 to 188.5 for a loss of 24.5 lbs.   I "lost" the bet because Dani hit her goal, but my goal was 185.  I said then that it was worth the $100 I had on the line as I was happy to "lose" when it meant losing almost 25 lbs.

For the new bet, we set our goals for mid-March, again giving ourselves about 20 weeks.  My goal was 200.  As we neared our goal, I knew I wasn't going to make it and Dani wanted to keep going past her goal, so we revised it and set our new date for August 5 with new goals.  My new goal was 185, which you may note is my original goal from the first bet in 2010.

Additionally, my friend Sam and I had a side bet that we put together.  As of January (2015) I was struggling and had lost much of my early progress between Thanksgiving to New Year's.  To help us both keep active and fit, we committed to a daily exercise minimum, and if we didn't hit that minimum we'd owe $5 into a "penalty jar" and at the end of the bet, which was until March, we'd tally it up and donate it to a charity of our choosing.  Well, we both ended up with $0 in penalties by March.  My minimum daily routine was a 20-30 push ups or 1-2 miles.  By March is became a habit, and as of today (Day 163) I've only missed 3 days (I don't count the days I missed because I was sick - important not to over exert yourself when you're health is not up to the task).

My recent mini-goal has been to get to 200 (which I just realized was my original mid-March goal) by Pride (June 13, 2015), and as of this morning, I'm 198.6 which, while not an "official" Wednesday weigh in, is a legit pre-workout weight.  I was 199.8 yesterday, but I wanted to get two full days in under 200 before I said anything.

The encouragement, kind words, tips, and feedback I've received over the last 7.5 months been very helpful, and greatly appreciated.

What I want to do is take a moment, though, and explain what my motivation is for posting about my weight loss journey.  I have a couple of reasons that drive why I do this.
  1. It keeps me honest.  Many of you watch and comment on my progress and having to report both the good and the bad helps when I'm eyeing that piece of cake or that cocktail.  My friend and I that are losing weight together have been brutally honest with each other about what is going right, what isn't, and when we've cheated and we know it.  That kind of communication and honesty helps during the bumps and plateaus.
  2. You've told me it's helpful to you.  I have a number of friends who are on their own health initiatives (staying active, losing weight, gaining muscle, etc) who've publicly and privately said that my posts have been good at helping them stay motivated.  They've also stated that they appreciate the posts when I'm not doing as well, when I don't hit my goals and when I'm backtracking.  The main thing there is I try to show that this is not a short term "always successful" endeavor.  There WILL be failures.  There WILL be set backs.  There WILL be times to say "screw this" for a few days.  The important thing is to understand that in the long term process there will be short term disappointments, so it is important to keep an eye on the bigger picture.  So in that vein, I'm going to be honest and put it out there when I go weeks without a loss, when I gain for seemingly no reason, when I gain for reasons I absolutely know (like saying "screw it" and having that slice of cake or have that tasty cocktail), when I'm tired of the work and effort, as well as the times I lose the weight, have a great workout, and days that I feel much much better.
The key thing with all of this is that everyone's body is different.  My successes can't be compared to your successes.  What I consider a bad day, might be someone else's amazing step forward.

So bottom line, I do this to be supportive as well as get support.

Good luck to everyone on keeping up healthy, satisfying, and productive lives, however that may play out in your world. :)

Back to Blogging?

So leaving Facebook for a time didn't really push me back to blogging at all.  Mostly it just allowed me to relax and reconnect with myself a bit.  I recommend a Facebook sabbatical from time to time.   I came back to FB again after those 3 months and haven't left since, but I wouldn't rule out another break at some point.

I've found my posts on FB to be longer and longer these days, so I'm thinking of moving back to a blogging format and just linking to FB, especially since many of the larger posts that I am doing are already on the public side of things anyway.

We'll see how it goes.

Sunday, January 06, 2013

On Leaving Facebook

So on Friday I left Facebook.  Not for good, just a for about two and a half months to get some time and perspective on service I’d become quite an avid user of.

On Wednesday, January 2nd I announced that I’d be leaving as of the following Friday and I immediately disconnected Facebook integration from various systems and turned off Facebook messenger.  For the next few days it was kind of nice.  I felt less compelled to check Facebook every 5 minutes and distracted myself with reading, communicating with friends through email and other IM services and a few other things. 

I didn’t really feel the weight of the decision until Friday when I said the final good-bye and signed off until March.  I think having the opportunity to log back in over the course of the week made deciding not to log in a lot easier.  Since Friday, the number of times I’ve found myself wanting to check on my news feed, or look something up, or just log in for no reason has been a lot.

The other thing is that I found myself wanting an outlet to say something.  I’ve always thought that my blog stopped because it just wasn’t something I was good at.  I think I actually do like the writing, it’s just that I had a medium that I could post smaller, more regular updates with Facebook.  Facebook is nice because it provides greater access to your friends and it’s easier to interact with commenters.  Additionally, everyone’s already subscribing to you in Facebook.  It’s harder to know who actually reads your posts in the blogger world because people have to go to your blog to see what you have to say, rather than have it there in front of you.

I do plan to return to Facebook as I’ve found it to be a useful tool that has reconnected me with old friends, helped build and sustain new friendships, and just is useful for communication and planning events.  I just think it needs to be on my terms and it needs to be useful to me, not just something I find I have to check for fear of what I might be missing.

I also have no idea if this post presages a return to blogging, but I think I may find I need at least some outlet to put my thoughts down on and this works for the moment.

Monday, November 05, 2012

My Thoughts on the Election

I know it's been quite a while since I have posted here, and maybe I'll start back up again more regularly, but for now I have to say my piece on the upcoming election.  The results of this election mean a lot to me.  This election has made me much more strident in my poltical viewpoints and much more likely to raise my voice politically. It's not because I like to cause a stir, or that I like getting into it with people in politics. It's because I'm scared. I've literally had nights where I couldn't sleep due to worrying about the outcome of this election.

For me, this election is about more than just the economy or what is left, right or center. For me this about my rights and about being treated as a basic human being. It’s about being a first class citizen. It is about being able to someday marry the man I fall in love with, to adopt a child, to have a family, to have the right to visit him if he’s sick and in the hospital, to be lucky enough to have what so many of my friends and family have found over the years. I’m lucky to live in a state that is a bit ahead of the curve and provides that, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll always live in this state.

I can’t trust Romney. He ran for governor as a centrist on many issues. He courted the gay vote and told us that he would support us in our fight for greater civil rights. He’s since qualified that by saying he meant that, but he never meant that civil marriage rights were civil rights. He made gay marriage and his former constituents punch lines to get laughs and support from the rest of the country as he ran for President. He’s become more and more avowed about preventing expansion or curbing/repealing existing rights for gay people.

Romney has committed to keeping DOMA on the books, which would among many things make me and my spouse have to file taxes as a single person. DOMA prevents same-sex spouses from receiving federal benefits such as social security, military pensions, etc. He also will put forth an amendment to the constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman.

From MittRomney.com:
“As president, Mitt will not only appoint an Attorney General who will defend the Defense of Marriage Act – a bipartisan law passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton – but he will also champion a Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman.”

Paul Ryan has given assurances to “Focus on the Family” (a longstanding anti-gay group) that a Romney-Ryan administration would push for the Federal Marriage Amendment. Both of the top Republicans in the Senate and House support the FMA. The party platform also supports the FMA. This is not just a few fringe elements spouting off, this is the core leadership of the party.

In the end, I cannot support a candidate or a party that systematically seeks to curb or remove my rights.


I will be voting Obama to another 4 years in office.  He has stopped defending DOMA, he has come around to finally supporting full marriage equality, and he worked to get DADT repealed.  For this and more, he has earned my vote.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Kickboxing and weight

So I noted in my last post that I'm not kickboxing any more.  While that is true it doesn't entirely explain the situation.  Last November, I switched from the kickboxing class to the Wing Chun martial arts class at the dojo and have beeen taking that for almost a year now.  This past may I successfully tested for my yellow sash and I'm working towards my orange sash. 

I've really enjoyed the classes and the process of learning the various forms and techniques within Wing Chun.  I feel since I've been taking it, I'm strong, more balanced and more confident. 

The only downside is that it is nowhere near as aerobic as kickboxing was (at least not at such a beginner level; we don't do sparring at this point) so a major workout that I had 2-3 times a week is gone and replaced with something I love, but not as much of a workout.

Add to this the fact that in the spring I broke my foot and have been trying to stay off of it enough to let it heal, which takes running out of the equation for the moment.  I'm awaiting results from my doctor to know that it's fully healed.

Really the hardest part with the weight loss is motivation and I just have not had it lately.  Life is good, but I am in a bit of a rut I think when it comes to motiviation.  I'm hoping to work on that over the fall/winter.  We'll see how it goes.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I'm a bad blogger...

So yeah... I'm a bad blogger.  I'm also bad at my resolutions this year.

Let's review:
  • [Fail] - I resolve to (schedule permitting) run a 5k this spring with my friend Di.
  • [Fail] - I resolve to get to 185 lbs and maintain it.
  • [Completed] - I resolve to finally upgrade my entertainment center with a 55” HD TV [Hey aren’t all resolutions self-serving to some degree :) ]
  • [Not Done] - I resolve to take the GMAT and apply for my MBA.
  • [Ongoing] - I resolve to take time to visit friends I don’t see often enough.
  • [Fail] - I resolve to post more often to my blog.
So I think the one completed item may have contributed to some of the failures. :)  The TV is gorgeous though.  I'm very happy with the purchase.

The running I've tried to get back into but I've had some foot injuries and I found out that as of a week ago I still have a stress fracture of my left foot (third metatarsal for those curious).  Once I get clearance from the doctor I am going to try to make time to run again.

For the weight, I have officially gained every pound I lost last summer.  It's been a combination of not being able to run, not doing kickboxing anymore (I'll explain that in a bit), and just not making time to work out.  I'm trying to figure out a routine that allows me to use the winter, with it's multiple layers of bulky clothing, to try for a sort of caterpillar-like transformation, so when spring comes and the layers are pealed back, I'll be in good shape.

While I haven't yet taken the GMAT, it's still on the plan.  I've just been a bit overstressed with some changes at the office (I'll explain that in another post) that have ramped up the use of my time and stress at the office.  It's made me much less motivated to do anything but relax once I do get home.  Yes, it's a bit of a cop-out, but I'm gonna go with it. :)

I have made an attempt to visit friends.  The hard part is coordinating both sides of that equation.  I was able to find some time to spend with Max before he moved to San Diego and now I need to find a time to visit him, now that he's found a job and is out there for real now.  I tried to make time to hang out with Ron before he moved to South Korea to teach English for a year.  With everything he had to do to prep, it didn't end up happening.  I was able to spend two weeks in London with Delory and several WPI students.  I was able to make time with Dani after she moved about 20 minutes away, but then she moved to Nashua and I haven't been able to visit yet.  I'll be going up a week from Sunday to see her, Anthony and little Zoe.  I am also working on plans to go to LA to visit Colin and Kristin.  Also I saw Judd for the first time in over a year the other day.  Overall I'd say this item is both ongoing and relatively successful.  It could be better, but the effort is there.

As for the blog, I'm going to try to make this be the start of more posts.


PS - I updated my template for the season.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ugh–what a day

The original message for this post (which was going to be posted yesterday) was “What a difference a day makes”.

 

Here’s the post as I wrote it.

 

Well, even though it’s colder and everything that melted has frozen over, I’m having SUCH a better day today!

 

The good day partly started last night after a successful run through of Laramie Project.  Even though I was in a funky mood yesterday, it never ceases to amaze me how much a show and it’s rehearsals actually end up energizing me, instead of exhausting me.  I got a reasonably good night’s sleep as well.  So that’s gotta count for something. :)

 

Today I got a call from my accountant that my tax return was ready to submit, and I just needed to sign.  It turns out I’m getting back a good bit more than I had planned on.  Added to that I forgot I’m getting a stipend for a conference session I organized.

 

I also managed to resolve a server problem that has been causing me issues since early January.

 

So overall, it’s been a good day.  Let’s hope things continue moving up!

Almost as I finished typing this, I was eating my meatball sandwich and I ended up biting off more than I could chew, as it were.  I have had some times in my life when eating things that I have difficulty swallowing it.  It’s typically when eating meat (steak, chicken, scallops, hot dog), but I’ve had the issue with soft foods too (like pancakes).  At the risk of too much information, the issue is that I will swallow something and it’ll go part way down my esophagus, but won’t drop into my stomach.  It’ll sit there halfway down.  One thing to note is that this doesn’t affect my ability to breath, so I wasn’t in any immediate danger, just in pain.  Sometimes a glass of water will push it down, other times it’s just too painful to do that.  This was one of those times.  I then tried to move it “up” and out (you can figure out what I mean) and that wasn’t working either.   I managed to expel some of it, but was still having issues and I noticed I now had blood mixed in with the bile that I was throwing up.  I ended up having some of the WPI EMTs in the production I’m in drive me up to the ER down the street.  By the time I got there, the last bit of food passed, but I wanted to make sure there wasn’t an issue with the blood.  Five hours later, I got an x-ray and shortly thereafter spoke with the doctor.  Good news is that I had no damage and I was fine. 

 

At this point I need to follow up with my PCP to get a referral to a GI specialist for more testing.   I have had testing for this very issue before (endoscopy, barium swallow) but it didn’t show any issues.  Since it’s happening again, it’s time for more tests. 

 

Until I know what’s happening, I’m going to be chewing like you teach little children (chew it 40 times!) and sticking to liquid or softer foods when possible.

 

So I guess I was just a bit premature in declaring yesterday such a great day.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Need a recharge

So currently at WPI we’re in the midst of the dreaded “C Term”.  It’s the 7 week term from mid January to the end of February, and it’s also the dead of winter.  The phrase “C Term Sucks” is often stated by students.  It was true in my undergrad days and really hasn’t changed in the intervening years, even as a staff member.

 

Since the new year started, it feels like I’ve been running just to stay in place.  I’ve had several systems that just fell apart at work.  While some have been worked out, others still are partially broken.  I feel like every step forward is another step back.

 

The constant barrage of snow is also getting to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a new Englander, born and bred, and I love all four seasons and the snow, but I need green right now.  I need things growing.  I need warmer weather.  I need to be able to open my windows and let the breeze in.

 

I have always counted on the fact that I’m generally a positive, upbeat person, but these days it’s feeling like I’m going through the motions a bit, that it’s just a bit harder to put the smile on.

 

I’m sure all of this will work itself out in the coming weeks, but I can honestly say I won’t be sorry to see February go.

 

:-/

Friday, January 07, 2011

Look who’s come to visit!

Since Tuesday night I’ve had a guest staying at my condo.  As you can see, Oscar has made himself quite at home (and yes, he was invited up on the couch).

 

2011-01-04_20-57-48_567

I’ve been sitting for Oscar while Dani’s been off visiting her parents for a week.  She comes back on Sunday and will reclaim her fur kid then.

 

Oscar has been a very well behaved house guest.  He’s so good.  I can just leave him in the house without worrying about him getting into things.  I do keep all door shut, just in case though.

 

He’s tends to entertain himself or just roam over to his crate to relax.  Sometimes he likes to pop up on the couch when I’m watching TV.  He also enjoys sleeping on my bed at night (again, only if invited).

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Resolutions

So with the new year, come new resolutions.  These lovely things that everyone says they will do that they don’t.  The question then becomes, why do we do it?  Are we lying? Are we merely masochists who are trying to force behavior changes only to fail?  Who knows, but I’m going to try to set some realistic goals.

 

  • I resolve to (schedule permitting) run a 5k this spring with my friend Di.
  • I resolve to get to 185 lbs and maintain it.
  • I resolve to finally upgrade my entertainment center with a 55” HD TV [Hey aren’t all resolutions self-serving to some degree :) ]
  • I resolve to take the GMAT and apply for my MBA.
  • I resolve to take time to visit friends I don’t see often enough.
  • I resolve to post more often to my blog.

 

What do you think?  Anything else I’m forgetting?